Hot August Nights

Don't get me wrong. I love everything about Kansas.

Except August.

Today marked about the millionth consecutive day here in the middle of the country that the temperature exceeded 100 degrees. Same number of days with a "heat index" of 112.

I wish those goofy weather indexes worked elsewhere in life.

"You only have 20 bucks, but with the greenback index, it feels like 25!"

"Don't worry kid. I realize you're only 5'5" but with the height index you feel like you're 6 feet!"

"You needn't be so blue. Why, if you factor in the self-esteem index, you'll realize there's no reason to even be out on that ledge!"

This August, I'm trying something new with my lawn. Going green by turning brown. It's a novel approach to lawn care and landscaping that simply expedites the inevitable.

The hoses remain attached to the spigots. The sprinklers are in perfect working order. I've just chosen not to turn 'em on.

So while my neighbors are schlepping hoses, carefully calibrating their domestic center-pivot irrigation, in a desperate attempt to save the grass, mine's doing what comes naturally in August in Kansas. It's turning brown.

I used to do that. Schlep hoses, I mean. This year, it finally sank in.

Resistance is futile.

Conserving precious natural resources. Saving the planet. By being lazy. My kinda schtick.

The lawn will bounce back in the fall. It always does. Besides, if you water the lawn, it'll grow. And then I'll just have to mow it. In a 112-degree heat index.

No, thanks.

I'd have made a lousy pre-AC pioneer.

"You sodbusters go on ahead, I'll catch up. I'm just gonna stay here in the creek until October."

The overnight lows in Kansas have recently "dropped" to the upper 70s. I'm tempted to get up at 3 in the morning and step outside just to see what it feels like. Or, here's a better idea: Stay asleep in the comfy rack in climate-controlled air conditioning set at 68 and remain blissfully unaware.

Besides, it all balances out. In January, I'll complain because it's too cold.

And with the wind chill index, it'll "feel" even colder.