"Product"

Actual hair products found in an actual bathroom of an otherwise normal, fairly typical American couple in the Midwest (with an occasional editorial aside).

HIS

Aveda pure-formance shampoo

It smells like Listerine. "No, no," the hair stylist insists. "It's herbal." Oh. Antiseptic parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

American Crew stimulating conditioner

Lots of adjectives in the hair product game, we'll soon learn. Stimulating.

Aveda pure-formance firm hold gel

More Listerine. Does absolutely nothing to thwart an increasingly enlarging forehead.

HERS

Ouidad clear control pomade

finish

In conducting this "product" inventory (that's what the hair stylist calls all this stuff, "product") one catches on quickly that the Ouidad products each fall into what appear to be chronological use categories. I've placed these categories in

bold type

for your reading and discernment convenience.

Ouidad moisture lock leave-in conditioner

remedy

This bad boy "seals in lightweight moisture." Of course it does.

Ouidad climate control heat & humidity gel

remedy

One sees readily how this product could prove especially helpful during

Hot August Nights

.

Ouidad PlayCurl volumizing mousse

boost

PlayCurl?

Ouidad botanical boost spray-in conditioner

remedy

Even though it's a "botanical boost," this one's not really a boost, it's a remedy. C'mon, stay with me here.

Ouidad style glaze serum

finish

Ouidad styling mist setting & holding spray

finish

Aussie moist conditioner-revitaliser

This action comes in a purple bottle and is accompanied by the tag line, "put some 'roo in your 'do." Two things. Who wants any part of a kangaroo in their hair? And who are they trying to kid with that "s" in "revitaliser?" It's a Proctor & Gamble product out of Cincinnati, for Chrissakes.

Redken 12 align ultra-light balm

Sounds like something to apply to the wings of a one-person aircraft just before takeoff. Or maybe in the first moments after crashing. This assumes, of course, the balm -- and you -- survive the crash.

Aveda scalp remedy spray

This one has a black hairband around the bottle. Some sort of signal?

Ouidad deep treatment intensive conditioner

remedy

When a girl needs more than lightweight moisture, clearly. Duh.

Redken outshine 01 anti-frizz polishing milk

My personal fave. "Nice 'do!" "Why, thank you! I owe it all to my new anti-frizz polishing milk!"

Ouidad balancing rinse essential daily conditioner

No chronological tag on this one. WTF, Ouidad?

Ouidad curl quencher moisturizing shampoo

quench

Ouidad tress fx styling gel

tame

Doesn't take long to get the impression "Ouidad" is just some pretentious hair product name dreamed up in a marketing meeting (a meeting that I'm confident lasted at least 30 minutes longer than the one at P&G that resulted in, "put some 'roo in your 'do.")

But it's not. Turns out Ouidad's an

actual person

.

Now that's one exciting Saturday night.