Best of AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION

AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION is just that. Actual words spoken between my wife and I. Verbal cross sections... snapshots of our existence. When shared via social media, they tend to take on lives of their own and have proven somewhat popular, he said modestly. So with all the humility I can muster, here are a few faves from 2013. 

Jackie (watching me successfully program the microwave): “GOOD JOB!” 
Mike: “You say that as though you lack confidence in my microwave programming capabilities.
Jackie: (complete and utter silence.) 

(While exiting a restaurant in the rain.)
Mike: “If you wanna wait here, I'll go get the car.” 
Jackie (charging through the door): “I won't melt.” 

Mike: “Why's the TV so loud?” 
Jackie: “I’m tryna drown out your singing in the shower.” 
Mike: “Was it that loud?” 
Jackie: “Omigod yes.”
(For the record, I was belting out a rousing rendition of Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show's ‘Sylvia's Mother.’) 

Mike (bound for the kitchen during the Royals game): “Gimme a play-by-play.” 
Jackie: “He pitches the ball... he swings the bat.” 
Mike (returning to the living room): “You're no Denny Mathews.” 
Jackie: “I wasn't trying very hard.” 

Jackie: “Will you fix me a Crystal Light Fruit Punch, please?” 
Mike: “I’d be delighted.” (Drink preparation commences, during which I begin singing, for reasons unknown, the Gloria Patri, with elevated volume.) 
Jackie: “...and some Advil, too, please?” 

Jackie (while walking down the hall from the bedroom to the living room): “I just noticed you have your nameplate above the office door. How long have you had that up there?” 
Mike: “A little more than... (pause for emphasis) ... a year.”

(During a rare MM-JM same car MHK to Topeka commute.) 
Jackie (on the phone to a downtown protein shake outfit): “Hi Greg, it’s Jackie. German chocolate with coffee, be there soon.” 
Mike: “Man, you have it wired.” 
Jackie (somewhat sheepishly): “Uh... yeah.” 

Mike (eyeballing kitchen cupboard contents): “If the apocalypse hits, looks like we oughta be able to survive a coupla weeks on tomato paste.” 
Jackie: “I think I'd prefer to die.” 

Mike (entering the house after an ICT to MHK commute): “Why's it so dark in here?”
Jackie: “Two reasons. The sun's going down and you're still wearing your sunglasses.” 

Mike (entering the house after mowing the lawn): “Whaddayawannado for dinner?” 
Jackie: “I brought home Chinese, but it’s prolly all cold and nasty by now.” 
Mike: “Nothing says love like nuked moo goo.” 

Jackie (on the phone): “Are you already home?” 
Mike: “Yep. Why?” 
Jackie: “If you were still out and about I was gonna ask you to swing by the place we ate last night to see if I left my purple aviator sunglasses there.” 
Mike (after a long pause, contemplating the appropriate response): “I'll swing by and check. 

Jackie (on the offerings of a new downtown MHK restaurant): “Much of their menu is small plates.” 
Mike: “You mean like pilates?” 
Jackie: “No. The word is tapas.” 
Mike: “Then, what’re pilates?” 
Jackie: “It’s a yoga exercise.” 
Mike: “Oh.”