I don’t have many expectations from a bag of Cracker Jack. Some sticky popcorn, a half-dozen dinky peanuts at the bottom of the bag... and a toy.
And my expectations for the toy are equally low. A plastic choo-choo train, a horseshoe, maybe a compass like the one Matthew McConaughey gave Jodie Foster in
(so she won’t lose her way.)
Just gimme a friggin’ trinket.
Something that takes me back to my childhood.
At the ballpark the other day, I rip into a bag of Cracker Jack, fish around a little bit and,
A little striped envelope with these words printed on the outside:
“Surprise inside” and “Guess what’s inside?” and “Lift and peel right to open.”
After lifting and peeling right to open, I’m greeted with:
For a chance to win cool
Cracker Jack and
No purchase necessary.
See official rules for
Now you can download fun,
Cracker Jack prizes to your
Palpable antcipation. Dashed.
No plastic choo-choo train.
The chances of me downloading fun, authentic Cracker Jack prizes to my smartphone are slim and none. And Slim just left town.
Oh, I get it. The powers that be at Cracker Jack, Inc. have long since given up on us precipice approachers. We’re way outa their target demographic.
I’m done with Cracker Jack.
Buy me some peanuts and
Twizzlers. I don’t care if I never get back.
My Twizzler expectations are even lower.