"You're So Cute"

AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION is just that. Actual words my wife and I (my wife and me?) use to communicate. Verbal cross sections, snapshots of our existence. When shared via social media, they’ve sorta become a thing. Here are 2016's greatest hits:

Jackie: “You're so cute!”
Mike: “Why, thank you.”
Jackie: “I was talking to the dog.”
Mike: “Oh.”

(On the phone)
Mike: “I should be home within half an hour... unless I get hit by a truck. (PAUSE) And if I do get hit by a truck, you'll always remember this as our final conversation.”
Jackie: “Goodbye, honey.”

Jackie: “We're in a mode where you're not listening.”
Mike: “I'll get better. It cycles in and out.”

(On the phone, awaiting pickup after a supermarket errand)
Jackie: “What's your 20?”
Mike: “I don't think anyone has asked me that question since 1976.”

(After a ‘cold toes’ complaint prompted a loan of a pair o’ my toasty socks)
Jackie: “They're kinda itchy.”
Mike: “Not when I wear 'em.”
Jackie: “I don't wear boy socks very often.”

Mike: “I'll assume we don't want human finger mixed in with the sweet spuds?”
Jackie: “That would be correct.”

No digitized yams.

No digitized yams.

Mike [offering a few bars of Chilliwack's 1981 smash, “My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone)” during our morning dog walk]: “I shoulda been a rock star.”
Jackie: (brief pause) “Mm-hmm.”

(On the phone)
Jackie: (to a colleague in the car in which she was riding): “… most men are.”
Mike: “Most men are what?”
Jackie: “Oh! You weren’t supposed to hear that... (some generic obfuscating)… but most men are high maintenance.”

(After my Muhammad Ali impression was poo-pooed).
Mike: “I’ll only get better if I practice.”
Jackie: “I've seen no proof of that over time.”

Jackie: “I'm trying to think through our options.”
Mike: “What are they?”
Jackie: “I didn't say I was verbalizing them, just thinking.”

Mike: “Looks like Matt Harvey gets the Opening Night start for the Mets.”
Jackie: “Bet he won't pitch the ninth.”

Mike (one finger at a time): “How old is Scout now... 5 months?”
Jackie: “Six months.”
Mike: “I'm lousy at arithmetic.”
Jackie: “That's not even ‘arithmetic.’ That's ‘counting.’”

(En route to Ash Wednesday Mass)
Jackie: “What are you doing for Lent?”
Mike: “Workin’ on complacency.”
Jackie: “Meaning?”
Mike: “Yanno, stop putting things off.”
Jackie: “You mean stop procrastinating?”
Mike: “Uh... I donno, gotta think about it a little bit before I talk about it.”

Mike: “Need any help fixing dinner?”
Jackie: “I don't need help, but there's plenty you can do.”

Mike: “You were right.”
Jackie: “About..?”
Mike: “Damn near everything.”