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  • Writer's pictureMike Matson

Best of AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION

My wife and I didn’t purposefully set out to manage our reputations so the end result would be a critical mass of reasonable people left with a favorable impression. But it happened.


In recent years, married couple back-and-forth verbal repartee evolved into a semi-public thing. When posted to social media under the heading of “an actual conversation,” they became verbal snapshots of a marriage and have sort of taken on a life of their own. Heres a year end look back at 2023s best.


(gearing up to watch Killers of the Flower Moon)

Mike: “It features your least favorite actor.”

Jackie: “DiCaprio always looks like he’s constipated.”

 

(upon receipt of a text requesting a swing through DQ to fetch an ice cream cake)

Mike: “I’ve learned through experience to seek a little clarity on requests like this.”

Jackie: “We’ve been married 25 years, you can pick a freaking cake I like.”

 

Jackie: “These poor chicken breasts, they’re like, ‘Are you ever going to eat me? Freezer, refrigerator, freezer, refrigerator.’”

Mike: “Anthropomorphizing our food?”

 

Mike: “There’s like a million people who work there.”

Jackie: “That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

Mike: “I bet there’s a couple dozen.”

Jackie: “...which is a lot fewer than a million.”

 

Mike: “I suspect I’m the most predictable person you know.”

Jackie: “I thought so too, and then you go and order a triple berry cobbler cookie from Crumbl.”

 

(vacation spitballing)

Mike: I assume Manilow in Vegas does nothing for you.

Jackie: Correct.


He writes the songs that make the whole world sing. Except Jackie.

(family reunion meal prep)

Jackie: “Should I include spinach in the baked ziti?”

Mike: “No, half the family won’t eat it.”

Jackie: “Name one person in your family who doesn’t like spinach.”

Mike: “Me.”


(entering the house bruised, scratched up and a li’l bloody)

Mike: “I fell off a ladder.”

Jackie: “Okay, here's a new rule...”

 

Jackie: “It’s better to wear a ballcap than use more hair gel.”

Mike: “Says who?”

Jackie: “Says anyone who’s looked at a man’s hair.”

 

Mike: “I tend to drive faster when you’re not with me, at least that’s my sense.”

Jackie: “I don’t think self-assessment is one of your greatest assets.”

 

(post-nail salon/supermarket split duty, explaining why I opted not to make a third phone call seeking clarity on certain grocery list items)

Mike: “I didn’t want to be the talk of the salon.”

Jackie: “You’re overestimating how much people care about what you do.”

 

Mike: “That meatloaf with the ketchup on top looks pretty tasty.”

Jackie: “Those are not the words that I would use.”

 

Jackie: “We may hafta fly outa Kansas City at 5 in the morning.”

Mike: “That’s all right.”

Jackie: “...says the guy who likes to get up early.”

 

Jackie: “Don’t overthink it.”

Mike: “I’m not overthinking it, I’m thinking it.”

 

(home on Christmas w/ post-op doggie).

Mike: “Just got a text from your niece. I thought you told them we were not coming.”

Jackie: “Never formalized it. I don't do avoidance often, but when I do, I go all in.”


 

photo c. Westgate Las Vegas

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