• Mike Matson

Imaginary Husband

A dozen fav ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS from 2021.


Mike (crossing the living room, entering the kitchen, closing a cupboard door): “OCD.”

Jackie: “I know. I live with you.”


Jackie (picking a movie): “How about ‘Gone Girl?’”

Mike: “Is that the one about the girl on the train?”

Jackie: “No, you’re thinking of ‘The Girl on the Train.’”


Mike (saying nice things about her shoes, attire and makeup): “That’s a string of compliments in a row, to make up for my grumpiness.”

Jackie: “Keep going.”


Mike: “If they score here, we'll be up by five?”

Jackie: “Yes.”

Mike: “When I get the NFL head coaching gig, you wanna be my Arithmetic Coach?”

Jackie: “No. I will only work for a coach who knows math and can think 2-3 plays ahead.”



Mike (mea culpa after consuming her last ice cream bar while she was away): “Not convinced you buy my apology.”

Jackie: “You saying, ‘When you leave the house, you roll the dice,’ doesn’t sound like you are actually sorry.”


Mike (post-vax arm strength): “I don’t think I could throw a hundred mile an hour fastball, but I bet I could top 30.”

Jackie: “…which would not be a fastball.”


Mike: “It’s a rhetorical question. It doesn't require an answer.”

Jackie: “Then why do you have to ask it six times?”


(Encouraging me to read the owners’ manual).

Mike: “That’s not how I learn.”

Jackie: “True. You learn by hollering questions at me.”


Mike (grocery shopping): “Why peaches?”

Jackie: “I’m going to grill them and you are going to like them.”


Mike (perusing television options): “What’s ‘Ordinary Joe?’”

Jackie: “I don’t think you’d like it. You have to pay attention.”


Mike: “What’s the difference between cinnamon and nutmeg?”

Jackie: “One’s cinnamon and one’s nutmeg.”

Mike: “Oh.”


Mike: “I’m not grumpy, that must be your imaginary husband.”

Jackie: “I don’t have an imaginary husband, but if I did, he wouldn’t be grumpy.”

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