Equity Expectations

This column was published July 26, 2025 in the Manhattan Mercury.

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When my 18-year old roommate would tap an empty cereal malt beverage can on the nearest hard surface, it was a not-so-subtle cue to his girlfriend to fetch him a fresh one.

We would hear her steps toward the fridge, the crack/whoosh of the pull-tab, and the metallic scraping of its top popping off. She would wipe overflow suds on her high-waisted blue jeans with her right hand, passing the fresh brew to my roommate with her left.

Then she’d look expectantly at me, offering to get me another. Even though I was matching him beer for beer, it felt wrong somehow to ask another man’s girlfriend to get it for me.  

Archie Bunker didn’t help.

It felt wrong for two reasons. First, I was at least marginally cognizant of late ‘70s societal transitions of a culture clinging to its old ways, while bowing to the inevitability of change. My roommate’s girlfriend once told me, “Nobody likes a smart woman.” We both knew who she meant.

Secondly, it just wasn’t very polite.

My mother taught me that when a man and woman were walking together on the sidewalk, the man should walk on the side closest to the street. That way, if muddy water gets splashed up from a passing vehicle, the dude wears the mud. I still do that. Old habits die hard. Both my parents taught me to open doors for girls and women. Ladies first, borne of deference, respect and protection. 

Later, as a young professional, I operated from the assumption that when a man and woman went out to lunch or dinner, the guy was supposed to pick up the check. I learned this was not necessarily true after a female mentor snatched an Applegate’s Landing lunch tab from my hands.

“I invited you. I’m paying.”

Over the decades, I have reconciled my ingrained impulse to politeness (dare I say chivalry?) toward women, with their revolutionary impact. I’m married to a powerhouse professional woman and know hundreds more. The chasm between politeness and condescension hiding behind politeness is deep and wide.

Holding a door is one thing. Holding someone back is quite another.

Recently, a guy of my generation tried to horn in on a previously-scheduled appearance of a younger female professional on my live radio talk show/recorded podcast. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, my guest was someone for whom he may have felt some professional responsibility.

All this was done via email, which, right or wrong, can tend to embolden alpha male envelope pushers. Apart from the cultural tone deafness and extreme assumption of privilege, where’s the politeness?    

I remembered the advice from my mentor about invitations and emailed back, “What do you do when someone accepts an invitation that was never extended?” He got the message and backed down.    

One might think that since I lived through what was (for me, at least) a murky middle transition between old school chivalry and 21^st century professionalism, that we would have emerged on the other side, more enlightened but still polite. Then we go and elect a guy to the White House whose attitudes toward women seem impolite at best and criminal at worst. 

Throughout my life and professional career, I have been surrounded by smart, talented women. Hand in glove with the aforementioned cultural cognizance, came recognition that my generation was on the front lines of change. The result was an attitude driven by equality, informed by equity, with politeness baked in.

Because of this experience and the times in which I was living, I thought even though it would not have been my parents’ norm, it was mine.

I take that norm for granted at my own peril, for clearly, murkiness lingers.   

Mike Matson’s column appears every other weekend in The Mercury, and he hosts ‘Within Reason,’ weekdays at 9 a.m. on NewsRadio KMAN. Follow his writings at mikematson.com