Pork Choppers

It was 1992. He had already run for vice-president once, president twice, and was laying the groundwork for the ’96 White House run in which he’d actually win his party’s nomination. His re-election that year to the U.S. Senate from Kansas was a mere formality.

Formality or not, Bob Dole always took care of Kansas.

As the political reporter for WIBW-TV in Topeka, I’d be fed a news release or two a week from Dole’s machine, touting some new manna from Washington.

A senior center in Muscotah, rural water infrastructure in Lincoln County, a freeway interchange in Overland Park.  

All this government spending was coming to Kansas in September and October of an election year. Just coincidence? I knew there was a story here, so I started watching for something close to home, and since it was TV, something visual.

New helicopters for the Air National Guard at Forbes Field in Topeka.

Bingo.

After collecting about a dozen announcements, I had the outline of a TV news story: Dole on the ballot – Dole engineers largesse – draw your own conclusions on timing.

The actual TV news report itself was predictable:

1. Graphically scroll the individual projects across the screen.

2. He said (a soundbite from Dole’s Kansas spokesperson du jour): “Senator Dole considers it a vital component of his service to his home state, yada, yada, yada.”

3. She said (Kansas ANG officer soundbite): “We’re thrilled to get these new helicopters. They’re essential in maintaining our readiness, blah, blah, blah.”

4. B-roll of a new helicopter taking off and landing from Forbes.

It was the on-screen tease ahead of my report that was to catch the attention of the Senate Majority Leader from Russell.   

News anchor: “Coming up next on 13 News… Senator Dole is up for re-election, and the federal money is being shoveled back to Kansas. Coincidence? 13 News Statehouse reporter Mike Matson with the story…  after this.”

While at the same time on screen, in a box, a close-up shot of one of the helicopter’s rotor blades (wocka, wocka wocka), accompanied by these two words and punctuation:

PORK CHOPPERS?

A couple of weeks later, Dole actually graced us with his presence. He had long since gone national, so his public appearances in Kansas were rare. To those of us in the Kansas-based news media, Dole was Dan Aykroyd’s Saturday Night Live impression.

“Howdja like me to stick this pen right in yer neck?”

Dole’s schedule that afternoon featured a “media avail” at the downtown Ramada. With pen firmly clenched in his right fist, Dole strode confidently to the microphones, caught a glimpse of me in the assembled media horde, and frowned.

“Great,” I thought, wondering if I was going to get a pen stuck in my neck and if I could dig a hole in the hotel ballroom and climb in. “I’m done for.”

“Yeagghh…” The first syllable from Dole was always sort of a growled grunt. “Matson… (long pause) pork choppers. Pretty good. (enormous Dole grin). Heh, heh, heh.”

To think that a lowly punk television news reporter from Topeka, Kansas was going to rattle him.

Phhht.

Pork back home in an election year? That’s how it’s done, son. Bob Dole ate guys like me for breakfast.

You know it. I know it. And the American people know it.  

Mike Matson’s column appears every other weekend in The Mercury, and he seeks the second thought as host of ‘Within Reason,’ Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays at 9 a.m. on NewsRadio KMAN.